My 1st set of ramblings

So I decided to change the title of my blog. I think the new title accurately describes how I feel these days. As a mom of an almost 2 year old boy some days I can't tell if I am coming or going. I also think that as a mom in today's world things are so very different than when my parents raised me. It's obvious in many ways, but also in very subtle yet important ways. Obviously these days many women work and have children. There are also many stay at home Dads. There are also "imperfect" parents. I say it like that for a reason and try as I may I am having a hard time verbalizing what exactly I mean by that. I had a hard time with PPD when I first had my son. Alot of it was hormone based - I have a thyroid disorder and pregnancy hormones certaintly affected that. However, alot of it was due to my own expectations of myself as well as perceived expectations I was placing on myself from Ben's grandparents and extended family. Truth be told - mostly my mother. Of course that makes sense doesn't it? Mothers & Daughters! Regardless, my entire childhood I had felt like my mother was perfect and could do no wrong. I always thought I would never be able to live up to her expectations. Self esteem was non existent for me during those years. When I moved out of my childhood home at 17 and grew up I realized that appearances can be very deceiving. I also realized that my mother was far from perfect. But I can honestly tell you that I still feel those same insecurities whenever I am around her. My mother has gone thru many changes and growth in her life but somethings are just manifested in a different light.

When I had my son and my husband and I brought him home from the hospital my mother came down to visit and "help" me that first week. That was the worst week of my life. As soon as she walked in she criticized something my husband did. She apolgized immediately after she said it but it set the tone for the rest of her visit for me. I just kept waiting for more of the same. When she didn't deliver I decide to turn on that voice myself. So I became my own worst nightmare. The first few weeks with my son were not difficult for me so far as caring for him. My husband and I set up a nice schedule where he would stay up until 4 am with the baby and then I would get up with him so he could get some sleep. That way we both were able to get at least 4 or 5 hours of good solid sleep along with various naps we had through the day. I personally loved that time in the morning with my new son. Most times he slept on my chest and I would just watch him in amazement. I feel more and more in love with him during those moments. I know my husband enjoyed that time too. As my son got older yes it did get harder to care for him but that wasn't what caused my PPD. I've gotten that question alot from many different people. One in particular really rubbed me the wrong way. A fellow mom from an online support group. She asked if I was depressed because it was so hard to take care of my son. She didn't belive me when I told her no. I guess it would be hard for someone to understand if they haven't experienced it. Unfortunately her tone and approach to understanding were not empathatic to my feelings.

Anyway, these days I feel like I am losing my mind again. We are going on our vacation this week and while I am excited and happy I feel guilty because I need time off from my "life". My day to day routine is getting to me and I feel very isolated and alone alot of days. I loved spending time with my son and he is so much fun these days but it's very hard to keep going after more than a year with no breaks. I work all day, take care of him all night and manage about an hour of goof off time some nights. Usually I am so tired by the end of the day I can't even think of doing anything productive and end up just staring at a computer screen or something like that. On the weekends I don't work but my husband usually has to work on Saturdays and some Sundays. On the Sundays he has off it helps but he gets together with friends those nights so I am still alone taking care of things. I have developed an admiration of single mothers everywhere. I really give you all kudos because it is tough to raise a child alone. My breaks on the weekend are usually his naptime and then I end up falling asleep with him because I am so exhausted. I know part of it is my thyroid and its affect on my energy levels. My medication has been adjusted though so I should have more energy. I don't - because I am litterally burnt out. I really don't know how all of you "super" moms do it? Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a mother and a wife because I just don't have the strength. I am praying that this vacation will do me a world of good. Hopefully it will re-energize me.