Exhaustion

I feel like the worst mommy in the world tonight after a very long weekend. I'm not, I know, but I feel like it. See I work full time, take care of my son full time and have little to no "me" time. I have no family locally that I can trust to take over when I need a break and my husband has to work many weekends when I would be able to take some time to myself. So this weekend I was burnt out. I have been sick since Thursday and not feeling 100%. My son has been a little under the weather as well which makes him act out. I am literally physically and mentally exhausted. It was hard to pretend that I wanted to be "Mommy" this weekend. It was hard to play the sweet innocent games that my son likes to play. It was hard to motivate myself to do anything. So I feel guilty. I am not a bad mother - I know I'm not. I give my son 110% all of the time, even when I have to fake it. Why do I feel so guilty when I have to fake it like I did this weekend? Really I don't know that anyone has an answer, or that I am even looking for one, I just needed to vent. Now I am going to go to sleep and hope that this week things are better and I get a little break one day.

Father and Son

One of the perks of Daddy's job is being able to go to Disney World for free. This past weekend we decided to go to Epcot for a little while because the parks are slow this time of year. They will pick up soon for Spring Break. Ben loves going to the park but he has absolutely no interest in the Disney Characters. He is terrified of them. Every single time we go the park Ben tries on all of the hats! I always get a great picture of Daddy and Ben wearing a silly hat. The two of them are so darn cute together it makes my heart smile.

Parents?

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/crime/orl-bk-carwash030608,0,6468636.story

I read this story tonight online and it breaks my heart. The police in Orlando are looking for two women that took a little girl, who looks about 3 or 4 to me, into a self serve car wash. One woman pulled her out of the car while the other woman got the pressure washer. The woman with the pressure washer sprayed the girl all over with it at a close range, while the girl tried to run away. She grabbed her arm and held her to spray her some more while scolding her at the same time. How much you wanna bet that the poor little girl had an accident in her pants and this was their stupid way of trying to stop that. I'm sorry but I would love to do the same thing to them and see how they like it. Seriously, do these kind of parents (and I use that term loosely in this case) think their children like having accidents? Do they think that they have an accident just to "show" their parents? My heart breaks for my little boy when he has an accident because he always feels bad about it. Sometimes he even cries because he is so upset about it. It's called potty "training" for a reason you idiots! UGH! I apologize but this story just makes me want to cry for that poor little girl. How I would love to make her feel safe again as all children should feel with their parents. Shame on you two ladies! Children are such precious creatures and what you did to her just makes my blood boil. You don't deserve that gift!

Update March 12, 2008:
The woman in this story came forward. She stated that she used the hose to calm her daughter because she was throwing a tantrum. She said she had used a water bottle in the past to do the same thing. She is going to appear on Good Morning America this morning I believe. She is a young mother who is currently 5 months pregnant with another child. I am not going to sit in judgement of her actions. I don't agree with them at all and in my mind it is abusive. However, if nothing else I hope she gets some parenting classes and can learn from this experience. Having a 2 (almost 3) year old I understand the trying times of tantrums but never in my wildest dreams would I ever think of spraying my son with a pressure washer to calm him down. I've lived thru 45 minute tantrums with patience, quiet words, and a step outside of the situation so we could both gather our thoughts. I hope this mother gets some help because with another baby on the way her days are going to get more stressful and pressure washers are not the answer!

Another Story in the News

I was reading the news earlier today and the name Benjamin (my son's name) caught my eye. I was absolutely sickened by what I read. Tracy Hermann and James Sargent left their 5 month old son, Benjamin, for 8 days strapped in his car seat in their home, with no care the entire time. His parents, and I use the term loosely, took care of themselves, played video games, came and went from their home, but did nothing for this child. The mothers (again term used loosely) last contact with him "was the night before police were notified. Then, she allegedly told police she "looked at the baby in the crib and presumed he was sleeping so she said she stuck a bottle between the baby and the side of the car seat so that when he woke up, he could grab it and feed himself," Lyons said in open court."

Link to the article is here: http://www.pjstar.com/stories/022108/TRI_BFRH57AL.064.php)

WTH? Really, I don't even have the words to describe how this makes me feel. That poor little boy suffered needlessly at the hands of these monsters and he didn't deserve any of it. My only comfort at this moment is that thankfully now he is an angel and in the hands of someone who loves him. I hope his "parents" rot in hell for the rest of their lives. They deserve no less.

Sleep

When I had my son (almost 3 years ago now) I had no idea that the most stressful thing for me would be sleep. Not missing it on my part because honestly these days I get 8 hours a night fairly consistently. Even when he was a newborn my husband and I had the perfect setup because my husband can survive on less sleep whereas I need more. He would stay up until about 4 in the morning with Ben and I would sleep from 8 pm until then. Then I would get up and my husband would sleep until about 10 am. It worked out perfectly for us and neither of us felt sleep deprived. I was also a stay at home mom during that time so that helped me out as well. When I went back to work a year after he was born (what a great year that was - I loved it!) he was already pretty established in his bedtime sleep routine and sleeping thru the night. We had a few odd nights here and there when he was sick or scared as he got older but for the most part he slept well.

So where is the stress of it all you may ask? Well first it started when at night time he would not fall asleep if we left the room. He would scream bloody murder and while I wasn't against crying it out to a point he was too hysterical for me to be okay with that. So I made the decision to stay with him at night until he fell asleep. If you read my previous entries in my blog I tried other things along the way, nightlights, leaving the door open etc., but really at the end of the day he just wanted his mommy. I don't see anything wrong with that so I made the choice to stay with him, usually about 20 minutes, until he falls asleep. When he moved into his big boy bed I didn't even hesitate laying in bed with him until he falls asleep. He sleeps thru the night just fine and rarely wakes up and if he does he manages to get himself back to sleep. He goes to bed the same time every night and we have no problems.

Again, where is the problem? Well even though he does all that at night it is still 8:30 before he goes to sleep, sometimes 8:45. May not seem too late and he gets the required number of hours of sleep, but honestly I am done by that point. After working all day, taking care of him all night, and then putting him to bed, by the time he falls asleep I am a ball of mush. Any plans to accomplish anything are out the window because generally I can't even put a sentence together. I am physically and mentally exhausted at that point. Not to mention as I just mentioned I require sleep, 8 hours usually, to be productive the next day. So generally I am in bed by 9:30, 10:00 at the latest. Which leaves me about an hour to unwind and accomplish anything.

Then to top it all off my son has decided he no longer needs naps. Not true mind you, he does still need them, but he will fight me tooth and nail on them. I used to fight him back and everyday dreaded the moment of naptime because I knew it would be a battle and somedays I would end up in tears. So I resorted to the whole driving in the car trick because most days that is the only way he will fall asleep and I didn't have the energy to fight him anymore. It works but then generally I end up having to go somewhere and just sit in the car with him while he sleeps. Not that much fun for me.

So the most stressful part for me has been that I can never turn off until my baby is asleep. I will not allow myself to let go and relax until I know he is safe and sound in sleepy town. At the point I will allow my sub conscious to take over but at least then I feel I can relax and stop being Mommy for just a little while. I think most parents reading this know exactly what I am talking about. I struggle to find a balance for myself and the lack of downtime during the day, and the need to spend the extra time to put him to bed takes away even more time. It has been the most stress for me so far as a mother. I try to remind myself though that these times won't last forever so I should appreciate and hold onto each moment possible before he starts kicking me out of his room to be left alone!

Disturbing News Article - Grandmother accused of abusing 2 year old grandson

This is one of those stories that absolutely tears me up inside. I read it earlier today and cried for this little boy. Delores Henderson, 55 year old grandmother is accused of abusing her two year old grandson. A police officer states that he saw her ram the boys stroller into the curb, pick the boy up by his shirt and then throw him back into the stroller. The boy lost consciousness as a result of the ordeal. I get so upset when I read these stories and then look at my little boy and imagine someone doing that to him. I can't even fathom that kind of behavior to a precious child. Sure I get frustrated by some things he does but it's never anything bad enough to warrant that reaction. I don't know whose mother that was but if it was my mother and she did that to my son (her grandchild) she would never see him again. Same result if it was my husband's mother. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that. Not one of Ben's grandparents would harm a hair on his head. I have to remember stories like these when I am annoyed by my inlaws though, because really I am so fortunate. They may annoy me but they love that little boy more than anything and when he is with them I don't have to worry about a thing. Thank you Grandma & Grandpa!

Daddy and Ben in my new office

Well for anyone who has been keeping up with me my office was recently renovated! It needed it and it looks great. Daddy and Ben came by to visit the other day and of course I had to take a picture of them. They always photograph well together! The Alabama mug is not mine - I share the office with my boss who is usually only there once a week so it works out great. He is a fabulous boss though so it wouldn't matter if he was there all of the time. We get along wonderfully and I am so grateful to finally have a boss like him after having horrible ones at my previous job.

Anyway, Ben was happy to see Mommy at work and it made my day to see both of them.

Imagination

Having my son has opened my eyes to so many things that I am sure at one point I knew but have forgotten while busy trying to be an adult. Recently he has started a new game where we (myself or Daddy) have to talk like the character he has chosen for us. The last few nights it has been Minnie Mouse. So he says to me "Talk like Minnie" and I must perform on command. It has reminded me of how simple life really should be. Something so silly and small is a huge thing to him and it makes him so happy. A three year old's imagination can take them so many places that I forgot existed! Now, it is all coming back and I feel that same joy I felt as a child when I played those same games. That same giddy excitement is felt when he is giggling because I am making the silly Minnie voice. He is reminding me again of what is truly important in life and I hope I continue to hold onto that and never forget that again.

Thoughts for Tonight

Tonight was one of those nights with my son where I didn't want the night to end. He was being so sweet, funny, and loving that I wanted to stay in his room all night even after he went to sleep. I don't make him go to sleep on his own. Every night we have our routine where we take a bath, watch television and have a snack and then go to bed. He sleeps sideways on his full size bed so I lay next to him and he usually hugs me like he is hugging a stuffed animal. Some nights he will just hold my hand. Tonight he was sweet, hugging me, holding my other hand and giving me this great big smile that melts my heart. It's moments like those that I try to hold onto and remember when he is being a typical two year old! After about 15 minutes he is usually fast asleep and I leave the room.

Now I know alot of "experts" think that staying with your child until they fall asleep is a bad thing but I don't agree. When he was in his crib and just a baby we could lay him down and he would fall right asleep. As he got older he developed more anxiety and a tiny fear of the dark. If you read previous posts there was a time when I posted that I was able to leave the door open and he would be able to go to sleep that way because of the light and knowing I was right there in the other room. When he moved into a big boy bed he also moved into a new room and it was a big change for him all at once. There were new noises in the new room, the bed was bigger and he felt overwhelmed in it. So I just started laying down with him and he fell fast asleep peacefully. So I have to disagree with the "experts." I really don't think any one person can be an expert of someone else's child except their own. Do I know if there will be problems later on trying to get him to go to sleep on his own? No I don't. I have a feeling though that when that time comes I will figure it out then. I absolutely love that time with him. I think it may be harder for me to give it up than him!

Having an Only Child

Recently friends and family have been asking my husband and I when we are going to have another baby so that our son can have a sibling? When I tell them that I am not sure we are going to have another one they look surprised. I'm not sure why. Is there some kind of requirement that you have to have more than one child to be considered a real family? Someone said to me "Well aren't you worried that Ben will be spoiled or a loner?" What? How does being an only child equate to being spoiled or a loner? I know families with many children and they have some that are spoiled and some that are loners. I don't understand the connection there? My son is not going to be spoiled because we don't spoil him. He won't be a loner either because he loves playing with other kids. I am a bit of a loner sometimes and I have seven brothers and sisters so to imply that being an only child means you will be a loner is silly.

Now, am I positive that I don't want another child? No, not 100% but I am leaning more towards not having another one as opposed to having another one. Whatever our decision is it will be what is right for us and not what everyone else wants.

Marcelle Thibault - Woman Kills Self and Niece and Nephew in Traffic

This story is so sad and I just read about it tonight. Apparently Marcelle Thibault, after driving on the wrong side of the road, pulled her car over, got out of her car with her 4 year old nephew and 5 year old niece, removed her clothes and theirs, and then walked into oncoming traffic. They were hit by 2 cars and all are now dead. They are stating that Marcelle Thibault had a history of mental illness. An episode for which she was treated within the past year. Her family stated that she was fully recovered with no signs of a relapse. It is a truly devasting story. I am at a loss for words to express to this family my deepest sympathy for their loss. I know the pain they are all experiencing is unbearable. I also know that the drivers of both cars are experiencing a pain just as horrible. I hope and pray for them all.

I hope that the media will allow this family to grieve and give them peace. As much as everyone wants to know why she did it, there is no reason that can bring these kids back to their parents. Please allow them to heal and grieve. Their lives have been changed forever.

Tell everyone you love how much they mean to you tonight. Remind yourself of what is important in life. This story reminds me of that and makes me want to go into my son's room and hold him extra tight.

Imagination

I was reading over at a blog called "Parents Behaving Badly" and saw the best expression - "paranoid parental imagination." Seriously I love that! It hits the nail right on the head for my imagination sometimes. Yesterday, I was at Borders bookstore with my 2 1/2 year old and he never left my sight. A little boy, a little younger than my son, was hanging around us talking to us. His mother was nowhere in sight but I could hear someone calling out what I assume was this little boys name. I looked around and sure enough 2 rows down was a woman sitting on the floor calling out his name. I was floored. I asked if that was her son and she said yes and continued to read the book on the floor, barely looking at me.

I don't understand this at all. You know why? Shortly before this incident I saw a young man wandering around the children's section "looking" for books? I"ll be honest , it didn't look like he was looking for much of anything. I went to an employee of the store and asked them to go help the young man out so he could find what he needed and leave the children's section to the kids. Sure enough, when the employee asked the young man if he needed help he immediately said no what I want isn't here and promptly left the store. It was enough for me to let my "paranoid parental imagination" go crazy. More than enough. My husband makes fun of me sometimes because I always have to have my son in sight and not more than 2 arms lengths away from me anywhere outside of our home. Even in our home I keep a close eye on him even if he is playing by himself. I'm glad he finds it amusing because in my mind it's being a good parent. Times have changed, people have changed, things are not the way they used to be. I got lost 5 times when I was little because my parents had six of us and could never keep up with us. Fortunately I was never hurt but these days that may not have been the case.

Keep an eye on your kids and let your "paranoid parental imagination" go crazy! It may just save your kid one day.

Tonsillectomy Update

One of my worst moments being a mother to date has to have been when my son had his tonsils removed. Actually there were two separate moments during that time that stick out in my head. My son was 2 1/2 but had some mild sleep apnea due to his enlarged tonsils. So we made the decision to have his tonsils removed rather than wait and see if he grew into them. We chose a partial tonsillectomy using a microdebrider which is a powered rotary shaving device with continuous suction often used during sinus surgery. This procedure entails eliminating the obstructive portion of the tonsil while preserving the tonsillar capsule. A natural biologic dressing is left in place over the pharyngeal muscles, preventing injury, inflammation, and infection. The procedure results in less post-operative pain, a more rapid recovery, and perhaps fewer delayed complications. All of that was true but it was still a rough ride.

My son had his surgery in December. Two weeks before Christmas so that he would have plenty of time to recover before the holiday. Me I am still recovering but that is besides the point. It was an outpatient surgery so we went in early in the morning and we were back home by 2 pm. The thing I remember most that still breaks my hurt is my son coming back from the surgery and saying to me "It hurts - ow Mommy - kiss it make it better." As a mother you really want to believe that your kisses have that much power. You want to believe that if your child is ever suffering any kind of pain you can kiss it and make it all go away. For those occasional bumps and bruises it does work. Mostly because the little guy thinks it does and that's all that matters. For the big stuff though you feel helpless. I kissed his throat 100 times that day and it still didn't take his pain away. He kept wanting me to kiss it though so I did. Not only that but even these days I still have the power to make the little hurts go away. That first moment though is forever etched in my memory. He actually did great with the surgery because by the time we got home and loaded him up with some ice cream and Popsicles he was great. He even ate solid foods that night like there was nothing wrong.

The next day he acted like there was nothing wrong. Of course he was still in some discomfort but he was a trooper about it. The surgeon called us and was amazed at how well he was doing. He did make a comment though that prepared me for the days ahead which was "It will get worse before it gets better." I wanted to think he didn't know what he was talking about it but I had a feeling he did. Sure enough day 4 was his rough day. That was the day everything was healing and bothering him. That was my hardest day as a mother. The day when nothing I did was right, nothing I did helped him, and he was just as frustrated as I was. I remember when he finally went to sleep that night my husband called me and I told him that I just had my worst "mother" day to date and would very much like never to repeat it. I am sure I will have other challenging moments but honestly to date that has been the worst.

Now, I am grateful we had the procedure done. He sleeps so much better and wakes up 100 times more restful. He has always been a pleasant child but now he is even more pleasant and happy go lucky! If anyone is considering the procedure (especially on a child under 3 which they don't like to do in most cases) I would highly recommend talking to or finding a surgeon that will do a partial tonsillectomy using a microdebrider. The risk of the tonsils growing back were about 5% according to my doctor but in my opinion the benefits far outweigh the risk. I know my sons' recovery would have been alot worse had we not chosen that route.

Toilet Training

I have been so fortunate when it comes to my son. In more ways than one but in particular when it comes to milestones in his life. He never ceases to amazes me. When he was an infant he slept thru the night at 3 months. He stopped using his pacifier as soon as he was able to find his own thumb and console himself with that instead. Then he stopped sucking his thumb all by himself. Just stopped doing it one day. He went from a bottle to a zippy cup overnight like it was nothing. He started eating solid foods just as easily. Even moving him from his crib to a big boy bed while a small challenge was fairly easy considering some of the stories I have read! Now we are approaching potty training. My son's day care has been trying to get me to potty train him for months now but my instinct has always told me wasn't ready. Well this past week he has been showing me more signs that he is ready. So today I sent him to school in underwear and he did great. Not only that but he also pooped in the potty for the first time tonight and I didn't even have to ask him if he had to go.



Now I am no fool - I know we are going to have many accidents along the way going forward but I am still so proud and happy right now. I am also glad that I listened to my instincts and didn't try to force him sooner. It really is true what some people say. Your children will always let you know when they are ready. All you have to do is pay attention!

A letter for my son

Many nights I want to sit down and write a letter to my son. I say this because sometimes I just want to tell him how much he means to me, how much I love him, how he overwhelms me with love and emotion when I look at him or hear his voice. Sometimes I want to try and explain that somedays I just need the day to stop because I am exhausted and drained but that I still want him to be there and just be. I want to tell him that somedays I can't bear the thought of playing pretend for one more second but again that is only because I am exhausted and drained. Most days I love to play with him because he reminds me of the simple things in life. I want to tell him that he reminds me to loosen up and let go and be a kid. To laugh at silly things. To find joy and happiness just being with the ones you love. To not take myself and my life so seriously. I want to tell him that my life has changed 100 percent for the better since he has been in it. Oh I want to tell him all of this and more and I want to tell him over and over again so that he always knows how wonderful he is. I tell him many thoughts like this daily but I always wonder if it is enough. I hope and pray that he will always know that he is my world and I believe in him!