The Holidays

The holiday season is about to end. I had a wonderful time with my son this year as he was very excited and it was fantastic to see the awe and amazement in his eyes as he saw, unwrapped, and played with his presents on Christmas Day. The holidays are rough for me. Mostly because the rest of my family are in different parts of the US and I don't have the opportunity to spend it with them. I am from a family with 8 kids so you can imagine the noise at the holidays in my house. Now with just my husband, his parents and my son it is a lot quieter. Not to mention that it seems that the rest of my family forgets my son at Christmas. All of my brothers and sisters have children and every year since they have been born I sent them something for their birthday and Christmas. No matter how poor I was. Even if it was just a card, I still acknowledged the special event. I am disappointed in my sisters for not doing this. My brother is usually the forgetful one of the group has been great about it so I am grateful for that. I know that my sisters are busy and have families of their own etc. However, I don't understand how you can forget your two year old nephew on his birthday and on Christmas. It just makes me sad because they want him to know them, yet they don't reach out and make any effort. Prior to getting married and having my son, (and having less flexibility to travel) I used to go visit my nieces and nephews as much as I could. I adored them all and wanted very much to be a part of their lives, which I am to this day. Even my husband's brother has made no effort to be a part of my son's life. Quite frankly I don't understand this. What I also don't understand is how I am supposed to pretend that it is okay when I do see them. My mother in law gave my son a gift on Christmas that she said was from "Uncle G." Well my husband and I know that Uncle G didn't buy the gift and send it to his mother's house when he could have just sent it to us. We know she bought the gift and is saying it is from him. The man is over 30 years old. Seriously I think he is capable of buying presents himself and sending them.

At the end of the day though it isn't about the gifts. It is about making the effort to truly be a part of his life. If they had just called to talk to him/us or sent a card I probably wouldn't be so upset but like I said they did neither. I really am sad about it.

An Email Forward About Parenting - Worth Reading

I don't have the author of the following but if someone knows who wrote it please let me know so that I can give the proper credit. I received this as an email forward from my husband and it hits the nail on the head so far as being a parent goes.

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a

pack of mules and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets

and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings

for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,

an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...

or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **

Photo Stamps

Okay I have to admit it - I am a total complete dork most of the time! So I couldn't resist the urge to buy photo stamps this year to put on my Christmas cards when I sent them out. I got them online with PhotoStamps. They came out really cute. It was a random shot of my little family that was perfect for the Christmas cards. Especially for people who haven't seen us in a long time.

I may get some more for Ben's birthday when I send out invitations for his party. That would be cute don't you think?

Being a Mommy

Some nights I am overwhelmed by the rush of emotions I feel for my son. Putting him to bed tonight and we have this ritual where I lay down next to him, snuggle under his blanket and he wraps his arm around my neck and falls asleep. We are face to face usually and I can see that sparkle in his eye and he always has this huge amazing smile on his face like he is the happiest little boy on the earth. I love seeing that! It makes me feel so wonderful to know that he is happy and content while falling asleep. I never in my life imagined I could love someone so much. I know most parents feel that way and it is really nothing new but somedays when I am exhausted, frustrated and feel like the worst parent on this earth because I just need a break, I forget to remember this! As parents we beat ourselves up alot about the things that we don't do perfectly that we forget to feel good about the things we do right. I am a good mommy and I need to remind myself of that more often than I do. I hope the rest of the good mommies in the world remember that!

The Spears Family

I was reading the news online last night as I usually do after putting my son to bed and I saw the announcement from Britney Spears' 16 year old sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, telling everyone she is pregnant. Then I saw the article stating that Lynne Spears parenting book has been called off. Is anyone really surprised by that? I mean seriously her 16 year old daughter is pregnant and acting like it is not a big deal? In this day and age with the resources and knowledge we have why in the heck does a 16 year old get pregnant? Yes we would all love for our teenagers to not engage in sexual conduct so young but we also know that it does happen. How in the heck do you justify not educating your children about safe sex and contraceptives? This is absurd!

I have to comment on these stories because I just think the whole Spears family is absurd. I don't have anything personal against any of them but honestly I don't think any one of them takes being a parent seriously. Britney is a joke. Lynne writing a book about parenting is a joke and the fact that her 16 year old daughter is now pregnant just really sums up the whole family don't you think?

Santa Claus

Yes I know it has been a while again since I have posted. It's been crazy here. I went up to PA to visit relatives for Thanksgiving with Ben and then last week he had his tonsils out. Still in pain and recovering but we are hanging in there. In fact we even went to the mall today and saw Santa. We walked past him that is. My son is terrified of Santa so I have to make sure we are walking far away from him. He talks about him all the time though. Asks me where he is and makes sure that he is still going to bring him lots of toys! No sitting on Santa's lap though - not for my son. Which really is fine by me. I really don't understand why some parents force their children to sit on Santa's lap and then take a picture of them crying? What is that all about? Is it just me or does anyone else find that selfish? I have never and will never force my child to sit on Santa's lap for any reason. Just like I don't force him to pose for the picture that Grandma wanted recently of him and his cousins alone without Mommy. The only way he would do it is if I sat with him. Is that such a big deal? Seriously can someone please explain this to me so that maybe I can understand a little better?

Getting Your Toddler to Stay in his Bed

I haven't posted for a few days because we have been struggling with keeping my son in his big boy bed. The first couple of nights in his new bed he was fine. Slept thru the night and in the morning he would wake up and walk to our room and come and cuddle with us. Fine no problem right? Wrong. I had to go out of town and my son got sick so unfortunately he went to Daddy in the middle of the night and Daddy was worried about him so he let him sleep in our bed with him.

I came home from my trip and took him to the doctor for antibiotics for his infection. He was starting to get better in two days so I hoped he would stay in his bed. No luck. I tried everything. I tried a reward system but he still got up. I tried a gate at his door so that he at least couldn't leave his room but that didn't work because he screamed bloody murder and Dadddy couldn't take it so he went and laid in his bed with him. I searched high and low on the internet for solutions. Some suggested switching the door locks so that I could lock the door from the outside, but I didn't feel comfortable with that. Finally a co-worker of my husband's made the suggestion that worked for us. Body pillows...all over the bed. Yup - it worked like a charm. Three nights in a row and three stars for my little man!

My son's Halloween

So last night was my son's first real Halloween. He was only 1 last year so he didn't really know what was going on. Last night we went to my in-laws house because they live in a quiet neighborhood and are friendly with many of their neighbors so we trusted them. We wanted to be sure our son felt safe and that we would feel safe as well. We made a Woody costume for him but he had no interest in wearing it. He wouldn't even put the vest on that we made for him. We had a cowboy hat too and he finally relented and wore that when we got to the doors. We only went to three house though. The first house we went to there was a young man dressed in a scary costume and that scared my son so he didn't want to go anymore. We managed to convince him that the next two houses would be okay because we knew the people weren't wearing costumes. So we went to those two houses and he was quite the angel saying "trick or treat" very softly and then "thank you" once he got the candy. After the second house we asked him if he wanted to go to anymore and he said "no!" So that was all the trick or treating we did. He had more fun going back to Grandma and Grandpa's house and eating my birthday cake that my Mother in law got for me.

When we got home last night he was wired from all the sugar so we watched a little television before bed. When we finally went to put him down he screamed and screamed. He was still scared of that darned costume I think. He finally went to sleep but even this morning he was telling Daddy about the scary costume! Oh well maybe next year he will be more open for the experience. It was still a fun evening for us though. It really is such a joy to watch him experience new things.

Halloween is my Birthday!

Today is my birthday. I now have to change my profile to reflect my current age of 38. 2 years away from 40. I'll be honest though I don't feel that old somedays. I am such a kid at heart and am fortunate enough to look young for my age. Not to mention that my son keeps me young! He has sooooo much energy and I have to keep up with him. It helps too that I have a good attitude and a good life! A job I love, wonderful family and friends and peace with myself. Can't beat that can you?

So Happy Birthday to me. I am taking my son trick or treating tonight and I cannot wait. We are going to Grandma and Grandpa's house so they can join in on the fun. I know he will have a good time.

Sears Keeps Messing Up!

It is official. My husband and I have decided to never make another purchase from Sears again. Today was supposed to be the day my son got his big boy bed. His grandmother was generous enough to buy it for him (and us) on her visit two weekends ago. Trying to order it in the first place at the store was a joke. The woman who was placing the order for us was clueless and couldn't even find the item in her system. After telling her that she was looking at the wrong product she was finally able to place the order. My Mom paid for it and then she had to argue with the manager about the free delivery on orders over $500, signs that were posted everywhere. The clueless girl said that the promotion was only valid if one of the items purchases was over that amount? Um yeah okay! So finally the manager got everything fixed even though she also had an excuse and said that the promotion was over. Long story short we finally got everything squared away and were expecting delivery of my son's big boy bed the following Saturday. We even purchased some new Nemo sheets that he picked out for himself. The following Monday we get a call saying that one of our items was out of stock so the delivery couldn't be made until the following Saturday, October 27. Fine no problem, that gave us more time to get ready. We had just added an addtion to our home and were moving my son into a bigger room. So this morning the delivery guys show up. He starts telling us what he is delivering - a queen matress, a full size box spring and no bed frame!!!! Well we had a serious problem because we ordered a complete full size bed, including the frame. The delivery guys felt so bad but of course we knew it wasn't their fault. So we had to go back to Sears this morning and get everything taken care of. Now we have to wait until Saturday, November 3rd for my son's bed. The woman who took our order was there making all of these excuses about everything. It took my husband 45 minutes to get it squared away. It really has not been worth the hassle. So now we have vowed to never make another major (and I am going further and including minor purchases) purchase there again. It's unfortuante because they probably lose many customers for this type of poor service.

Back Finally!

Wow so here I am over a month later and finally getting around to blogging again. It's been quite hectic here with the new addition to the house and the rest of our daily routines. Ben ended up with Pneumonia the past two weeks. That combined with a lovely bug bite that got infected kept us on our toes for a while! Thankfully I work for a great man who understands that family comes first and allowed me to do my work from home last week so that I could stay with Ben. Mind you by the end of the week we were both stir crazy but I was still glad I was able to be with him all week. I really am so grateful for the boss I have now. Although the money is less than I made before, everything else is so much better! It's nice to not only get along with but also trust and respect your boss! I didn't have that at my previous job. Honesty was not something they practiced there! Anyway, I digress.... My point is hopefully now that the construction is on the verge of being completed - carpet will be installed next week along with final inspections - I will have more time to start working on my websites again! The other website I am working on is going to include a forum of support for working families. I am excited about that one because even though there are tons of websites dedicated to moms, families, dads, babies, stay at home moms, work at home moms, etc. there are few that are dedicated to two working parents. Not only that but it's also going to be geared towards those of us who are less than "perfect" parents. I think in this day and age everyone tries so hard to be, do and have it all that they forget they are human and flawed. Trying to be perfect is exhausting and never works in the long run. My website is going to be dedicated to those of us who aren't always perfect but do the best we can! I'll post the link here shortly when I've officially launced the site.

My Cat

When I was single I had two cats that lived with me. One of the cats died last year of natural causes. I had her about 13 years. My other cat Toby has been with me since he was born. He was the kitten of a cat that a friend of mine adopted after Hurricaine Andrew, in Miami FL, devasted the area and left many animals stranded. I picked him from the litter. He was the runt and I feel in love with him instantly. Unfortunately, right now he has a terrible tooth infection and is at the vet getting treatment. They are going to have to pull alot of his teeth and he will be there for a few days. I've told a few people how much it was going to be to get him well again and most people balked at the price tag. Really how can you not take care of your pet? I've had him for so long and he is a member of our family. It's either take care of him or he will die from an infection in his tooth. I'm sorry but it's a no brainer in my opinion.

MacBook Hard Drive Crashed

Lo and behold my MacBook hard drive crashed and I lost everything. I have been very frustrated the past couple of weeks trying to recreate everything. I had three websites that I was working on. Thankfully I was saving alot of the content but I did not save a back up of the website. UGH! Yes I know I am slapping myself as I type. I've gotten one website back up again but now my blog, which was on my original website is just sitting there stale. No updates. It really is just rambings so I probably won't put too much effort into re-creating everything. I may just link to this blog like I am doing with another site of mine using the RapidWeaver program I use. I'll keep you posted.

Oh yes and I will continue to ramble as well soon!

The News

I have a habit of checking the news online daily and saw the distrubing and sad story about the Petit family home invasion. It really is like something out of a bad movie yet it is a real family and a real story. My heart breaks for them. To imagine the horror and heartache they went thru during their ordeal and the pain that Doctor Petit and the remaining family will feel brings me to tears. I don't even know them yet this story has truly affected me. I think about my own family and my child. I can't even fanthom the thought of having to deal with such pain. I know there are many who do and have had to deal with pain such as this and I feel for them as well.

The Light

Sometimes I could just kick myself. I doubt myself too much and then when I realize that I should have listened to my gut I get annoyed. I have mentioned on the blog that my baby was having a hard time going to sleep every night. Since he was about 6 months old we have done the same routine with him - bath, books, songs, jammies and night night time. We swaddled him when he was a baby and as he got bigger and rolled over he was able to make himself comfortable so we were able to just put him down in the crib on his belly and rub his back to get him to sleep. He also found his thumb at this point so that helped. He stopped sucking his thumb overnight but still had no big problems falling asleep. At some point when it started taking him longer to go to sleep I started leaving the room. He was fine - would whine at times but for the most part comforted himself to sleep. Then all of a sudden recently when we left he would start screaming. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. He had two night lights in his room, and I was still doing the same routines with him so he was still on the same sleep schedule. I searched online for days for advice. Starting seeing all the same things about routine at bedtime, quiet time, etc.. but we were already doing this. Then I read where some people mentioned it just being a phase and it would pass in time. No such luck for me. Suddenly last night a light bulb went off in my head. When I was a little girl I was terrified of falling asleep with just the nightlight. There was a hall light outside of my bedroom door and I needed to have that on every night. It was my comfort light so I would know that my parents were still out there. So I tried that last night and miracle of all miracles - he didn't cry! He fell asleep within 10 minutes and I was relieved. I did the same thing tonight and again he was fine!! I am so happy about this! Although like I said I could just kick myself because I kept thinking before that he was scared but I doubted myself. I really have to learn to trust my instincts a little more. For now though I will just be happy that I finally figured it out and he is falling asleep peacefully again!

Changes

Everyone tells you before you have children to be prepared but are you ever really prepared for the changes that come with having them? I thought I was but in reality I wasn't. I understood the concept of being 24/7 but dealing with it is a whole different story. I am sitting here right now while my son takes a nap and I have 20 million things that I need to do. One of which is to find a way to increase my income to pay for the rennovations on our house. I have started selling again on Ebay and I am venturing into the world of affliate marketing. I am also looking for a part time virtual assistant type position. I think to myself though how much free time do I really have to do all these things? My son will take a hour or a hour and a half nap right now and then he goes to bed around 8:30. I have to try and get to bed by 10:00 pm myself because if I don't get enough sleep I don't function well. So I have about 3 hours a day to accomplish everything I need to do. Not alot of time when you think about it. Not to mention that I really spend my son's awake time with him. He goes to daycare during the week so I cherish the time we have together. I don't ignore him to get things done. Even if he's sitting down and watching a movie I sit and watch it with him. So that means I have to find a better way to manage my 3 hours of time that I do have. Maybe I should stop blogging and start accomplishing something then?

Why?

Why is it that as a parent you are constantly questioning the decisions you make? When if ever do you get the confidence that what you are doing is the right thing for your child? Or do you? I know we should not compare ourselves to others but everytime I look around at other Mommies around me I feel so insecure with my own ability to be a good mother. I know in my heart that I am a good mommy - I really try to do what is best for my son at all times. Sometimes though I wonder if what I have decided is really the right thing? Here's an example - for some reason going to sleep on his own these days has been hard. I have consistenlty done the same routine every night with him since he was about 6 months old (maybe even earlier) - we have a nice fun bath, we read books, we sing some songs and then it's time for jammies. Tonight he even told me that he was ready for his jammies and was ready to go to sleep. First time he has done that! Still I got him dressed, gave him hugs and kisses, tucked him in, told him I loved him and all that wonderful stuff and left the room. What happens then? He cries and cries - now tonight was better than last night where he screamed, but still tonight he cried and whined for about 20 minutes before going to sleep. I read that it is a phase some kids go thru and it will pass in time but that really doesn't make it any easier on me. Honestly it breaks my heart but I don't want to keep giving into him (which I have done) because when I do it seems to get worse. I think it's important that he know how to fall asleep on his own. Yet I still continue to question my own decision. I know I can't have it both ways right?! I guess it just hurts to hear my baby cry. I probably just need to work a little harder on having faith in my own decisions and my ability to be a good mother. I'm not perfect and never will be but I will always do the best job I can for him.

Time flies

Wow it's hard for me to believe that two months have passed already since I last posted in this blog. We have been very busy at home. We are in the process off adding an addition to our home and it is alot of work. We have finally picked the contractor who is going to be doing the work and we are now in the permit process. I am so excited because when it is all said and done we will have a master bedroom with a bathroom! Woohoo - We are going from a 2 bedroom 1 bath to a 3 bedroom 2 bath house. We also put up our fence finally so now our dog and our two year old can both run around together in our huge backyard! Plus we have some privacy from our crazy neighbors although they are moving out at the end of the month.

I started another blog as well. I am going to venture into the online business world. It's funny I've been using the internet since the early 90's before it was as huge as it is now. I used to win alot of contests, and free stuff back then and I shopped alot online before it became prevelant. I can't believe I never thought to get on the bandwagon to sell online. I do sell on Ebay and have done so since 2000 but other than that nothing. It's finally dawned on me that I need to do something I love with my life because quite frankly I am very bored at my current job and I need alot more of a challenge to keep me going.

My heart

I went to the park tonight with my now 2 year old son Benjamin. While we were there there was an older girl who was talking to me asking alot of why questions. My son sat there and listened to us chat and warmed up to the her and the other kids on the playground sooner than he usually would. Then another young girl came over and the girls decided to play a game of hide and seek. My son ran to the area where they were playing and when everyone went to run and hide he ran too. Well the one little girl said to him "not you - you can't play with us." He didn't really understand what she was doing/saying but I did. I cannot even begin to express how much it hurt my heart. Not because he was upset - like I said he really didn't even realize it but because had he been old enough to understand he would have been hurt. It broke my heart. He stood there for a second not sure what to do and I ran over to him and said "ready, set, go" and he started running after me and Sammy. I was really upset with that little girl and really upset with her parents as well. Had it been my child I would have said something to her about her manners and rudeness. They however did not say a word. Is it just me? Do I expect too much from them? I don't think so. Surely we have to teach our children about being kind to others and not hurting someone's feelings?

Then I started thinking about all the future times down the road when my son is going to be hurt, get hurt or maybe even unintentionally be hurtful. I'm not sure who is going to feel it more - him or me? Everything he does affects me so deeply it blows my mind sometimes. Will I be able to handle this? I wish I could make it so he would never have to feel any kind of pain but I know that is not possible. I sincerely hope that God gives me the strength and the right ways to comfort him when I need it.

When do we get enough time?

Wow I can never seem to find the time to make a post in this blog. I do not understand how other working mom's can "do it all." I get up in the morning get ready for work (thankfully have a wonderful husband who takes care of my son in the morning), go to work, work all day, pick up my son, eat dinner, play with my son, give him a bath and then read him books and put him to bed around 8:15. Then I have to straighten up, feed the pets, do the dishes (no dishwasher) and think of what else has to be done. By then it's almost 9 pm and I am ready for bed. Most nights I forget what I have been thinking about doing all day long. On those nights where I do have a little energy left I can sometimes manage to organize laundry or go thru my mail. Even tonight I know I have a ton to do but I am so worn out from my day I just decided to surf the internet for a little while before I go to bed. When did I become such a poor manager of my own time? Yes I know I have an almost two year old but still. I look around and see all these other mommies out there doing it and they never seem worse for wear. What is their secret? Even when my son is doing something so simple like watching the Wiggles on t.v. I am still right beside him watching and singing right along with him. I love those moments. I love spending time with him and watching him develop and grow, knowing that I am a huge part of that. I guess I really just need to try and accept that my time is not my own these days. I'm sure someday it will be okay and I will be thinking back to these moments and wishing I could re-live them again.

My 1st set of ramblings

So I decided to change the title of my blog. I think the new title accurately describes how I feel these days. As a mom of an almost 2 year old boy some days I can't tell if I am coming or going. I also think that as a mom in today's world things are so very different than when my parents raised me. It's obvious in many ways, but also in very subtle yet important ways. Obviously these days many women work and have children. There are also many stay at home Dads. There are also "imperfect" parents. I say it like that for a reason and try as I may I am having a hard time verbalizing what exactly I mean by that. I had a hard time with PPD when I first had my son. Alot of it was hormone based - I have a thyroid disorder and pregnancy hormones certaintly affected that. However, alot of it was due to my own expectations of myself as well as perceived expectations I was placing on myself from Ben's grandparents and extended family. Truth be told - mostly my mother. Of course that makes sense doesn't it? Mothers & Daughters! Regardless, my entire childhood I had felt like my mother was perfect and could do no wrong. I always thought I would never be able to live up to her expectations. Self esteem was non existent for me during those years. When I moved out of my childhood home at 17 and grew up I realized that appearances can be very deceiving. I also realized that my mother was far from perfect. But I can honestly tell you that I still feel those same insecurities whenever I am around her. My mother has gone thru many changes and growth in her life but somethings are just manifested in a different light.

When I had my son and my husband and I brought him home from the hospital my mother came down to visit and "help" me that first week. That was the worst week of my life. As soon as she walked in she criticized something my husband did. She apolgized immediately after she said it but it set the tone for the rest of her visit for me. I just kept waiting for more of the same. When she didn't deliver I decide to turn on that voice myself. So I became my own worst nightmare. The first few weeks with my son were not difficult for me so far as caring for him. My husband and I set up a nice schedule where he would stay up until 4 am with the baby and then I would get up with him so he could get some sleep. That way we both were able to get at least 4 or 5 hours of good solid sleep along with various naps we had through the day. I personally loved that time in the morning with my new son. Most times he slept on my chest and I would just watch him in amazement. I feel more and more in love with him during those moments. I know my husband enjoyed that time too. As my son got older yes it did get harder to care for him but that wasn't what caused my PPD. I've gotten that question alot from many different people. One in particular really rubbed me the wrong way. A fellow mom from an online support group. She asked if I was depressed because it was so hard to take care of my son. She didn't belive me when I told her no. I guess it would be hard for someone to understand if they haven't experienced it. Unfortunately her tone and approach to understanding were not empathatic to my feelings.

Anyway, these days I feel like I am losing my mind again. We are going on our vacation this week and while I am excited and happy I feel guilty because I need time off from my "life". My day to day routine is getting to me and I feel very isolated and alone alot of days. I loved spending time with my son and he is so much fun these days but it's very hard to keep going after more than a year with no breaks. I work all day, take care of him all night and manage about an hour of goof off time some nights. Usually I am so tired by the end of the day I can't even think of doing anything productive and end up just staring at a computer screen or something like that. On the weekends I don't work but my husband usually has to work on Saturdays and some Sundays. On the Sundays he has off it helps but he gets together with friends those nights so I am still alone taking care of things. I have developed an admiration of single mothers everywhere. I really give you all kudos because it is tough to raise a child alone. My breaks on the weekend are usually his naptime and then I end up falling asleep with him because I am so exhausted. I know part of it is my thyroid and its affect on my energy levels. My medication has been adjusted though so I should have more energy. I don't - because I am litterally burnt out. I really don't know how all of you "super" moms do it? Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a mother and a wife because I just don't have the strength. I am praying that this vacation will do me a world of good. Hopefully it will re-energize me.

Brief update

Well I haven't been too good about posting on the blog. I have been in another funk lately. I need a vacation and luckily I am going on one very soon thanks to my job. One of the winners of the trip to Sandals in Jamacia was unable to go so Garin and I get to take his place! I'm not sure how I feel about leaving Ben with Grandma and Grandpa for that long - 4 nights, 5 days, but I am looking forward to a vacation! I know they probably won't do or listen to a word we say when it comes to taking care of him. Plus if he cries when we drop him off I know it will break my heart. I have to keep telling myself that it is okay to leave him for a few days and take some time for us. I know Garin & I definitely need and deserve this time together.

Other than being in a funk there is not too much going on besides the usual mundane daily routine. I have lost weight though so I am very excited about that. The first week was hard because I felt like I was starving all day long but after that it got easier. I have lost 12 pounds to date and will hopefully lose at least another 10 by the time we go on our trip. I am loving Weight Watchers. I am looking at foods in a totally different way it's amazing. Plus it's so easy because as long as I stay within my point allowance I can't go wrong. Plus I eliminate the risk of damaging my thyroid more by starving myself like I used to do to lose weight! Now I just need to get my butt on the Bowflex and start getting my muscle back!

Moderation

So as luck would have it the same week I start my diet I get a nasty sinus/ear infection which had me miserable all week! I still managed to stick to my diet though so I am very proud of that. It would have been very easy to just give in to the temptation of "comfort" foods. On WW you weigh in every week so my weigh in day will be Tuesdays. I chose Tuesday because I plan on allowing myself small indulgences over weekends and I would like a day to get back on track before the weigh in. I am a firm believer in the idea that you cannot fully deprive yourself on any diet or you will fail. Prior to my pregnancy when I was able to manage my diet a little better, I was able to maintain a good healthy weight with that philosophy. Moderation is key.

Another year begins

Today is the first day of 2007. It is also my first day posting on my new blog. Since having my son Ben in 2005 I have neglected to take care of myself. A trait I think alot of new first time mothers (or even seasoned pros!) have. We take care of our children, our husband, our jobs, our homes, our pets but somewhere along the line we forget to take care of ourselves. For me personlly I have found it challenging to ask for help when I have needed it. I suffered from PPD after my son was born and went thru many changes in my life prior to his arrival. As I continue on this new blogging journey I will share more of those stories with you. For now though I just wanted to make the effort and write my first post. I have made myself schedule time for this so that I will continue posting on a daily basis.

I don't generally make new years resolutions but this year I have made two. The first is to allow myself time for myself. The second is the more common to lose weight. I plan on documenting my journey on Weight Watchers and hopefully losing the 25 pounds I need to lose. I gained it originally when pregnant with my son, lost it within 3 months of his birth and then gained it all back again with a recent addiction to mint chocolate chip ice cream and bad eating habits. I am committing to 30 minutes of exercise at least three days a week on our new Bowflex and following a healthy eating plan with Weight Watchers.

I look forward to sharing my journey with everyone!